To my ex best friend

This is the last one in my open letter series and I wanted to write about/to one of the most important people I’ve ever had in my life. It wouldn’t be right to not refer to him as ‘Bae’ (cringe I know).

  
This man was everything to me for 2 and a half years, he came before everyone else except my immediate family and I was the same for him. Whenever the other one needed something we would drop whatever it was we were meant to be doing and do it. We jokingly called each other ‘Bae’ and it stuck because to be honest it was true, we were ‘before anything else’. We spent 99% of our time together both at work and outside of it and we were constantly under scrutiny because ‘surely we must feel something for each other’. Not a single person understood our friendship and we practically talked a different language to everyone else. 
Everyone we ever met insisted we were in love with each other no matter how long they’d known us. I was once sat on his lap in a pub because there were no seats and a guy we’d known for 5 minutes told us we ‘had to go after the real love that we had together’. We refused to believe it and lived our lives in blissful denial. There was always some truth in what they were saying though because it’s turns out he was actually as in love with me as I had been with him at one point and that’s where it all went wrong. I will forever wish we had never drunkenly kissed or declared feelings. It changed who we were around each other and it turned out conversations into nothing more than awkward sentences.   

I no longer have a friend to call on at 3am anymore, someone to hold my hair back as I’m sick or bring me my favourite food into work because I’d text them saying I was hungry, I don’t wake up to 15 hilarious texts and snapchats or pull stupid poses in club photos with. I don’t have the Joey to my Chandler or my Chrisrina to my Meredith . I felt at a complete loss when our friendship fell apart and sometimes I still do, sometimes I miss him so much it hurts.

I never saw this man the way everyone else sees him (which is frankly a bit of an asshole) because how could I when he was so precious to me? How can I think of someone as heartless when i’d cuddled them to sleep as they cried? How can I think of him as someone who cares about no one but himself when he’d actively put me before everything and who’d lost important people based on the fact that our friendship was more important to him? I couldn’t. I knew him on a level that no one else did. I knew what kept him up at night, what made him laugh until his stomach hurt, what to order him off the menu, when to probe him to talk and when to leave him be. Now I barely know him at all. I don’t know what he ate for breakfast, where he spends his weekends, how his search for a new job is going or whether he can sleep a whole night through now and it kills me. 
So I just wanted to say that I hope he’s found some form of happiness, I hope he misses me too and I’m sorry for allowing the dynamic to change between us. 
Love always, bae x 
Do you have a friend you drifted from and miss? Tell me about your friendship heartbreak in the comments.

Until next time, I’m back off down the rabbit hole. 

  

Silence

The past few days I’ve been practically nonexistent in the blogosphere and even in general life, I’ve done nothing but be with myself and my mum. It’s made me reflect on my life, over the past 4 months especially.

I have never known hell like the last 4 months. My fiancé ended our engagement, my Granddad died, my mum suffered a nervous break down and attempted to take her own life and now my Nan has died. In light of all those things my anxiety has been at an all time high and I’ve been really struggling. However, I have survived. 

These past few months have taught me just how strong I am. I’ve handled my own problems, kept my mum strong, paid the rent and bills when she couldn’t and most importantly I’ve kept going. I did it all by myself, I didn’t lean on anyone else and count on them to get me through the challenges. I am so proud of myself. 

It’s so important to take some time to yourself and realise what is happening around you and address what you’re feeling. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for taking time for you and for making yourself feel good. You are what’s important. 

I’m trying to get back into everything and bring myself back out of hiding but I can’t make any promises as to how long that will take. However, I’m still here, still fighting, still carrying on. That is what matters.

Until next time I’m back off down the rabbit hole.

Nanny June

I had a post written to go up reviewing a new moisturiser but in light of what’s happened over the past 24 hours I didn’t feel it was something I wanted to post.

Instead I’d like to honour my Nan, Rosemary June Smith who died peacefully on the 19/03/2016 at 9.15pm. She had been ill for a long time and is now at peace, she died surrounded by love as it should be.   She was a woman I wouldn’t be able to describe but I’ll give it a go. She was an absolute star. She has done so much for my family and for my mum, she has literally saved my mother’s life. She’s saved my brother from debt, she’s made Christmases happen for us, helped my mum survive as a single mother.

She was a generous, selfless woman. She was the kind of old lady that never let herself be old, she was always the epitome of class. She was a fighter, one of the strongest women I know, the sort of woman you could never cast aside or put down. She knew who she was and she would never apologise for it. Her courage and determination was incredible.

I was never the closest to her as up until I was 18 years old she lived in Scotland but I do have some deeply cherished memories with her that will stay with me always. We used to go to a beach called St Cyrus, get fish and chips from the most amazing shop, eat at Reuslepe every trip without fail, do puzzles together at her kitchen table. One thing I will never forget about her is the way she does breakfast, it sounds silly I know. Every night before she went to bed she would lay the table for breakfast, she’d have all the options available and it would always feel really special as if it was a hotel.

I’d just like to say thank you to my Nanny for making it possible for me to be here today, for saving my mum, for helping us all whenever we needed you. Thank you for being an incredible, strong woman.

Loving you always Nanny June x