This is the last one in my open letter series and I wanted to write about/to one of the most important people I’ve ever had in my life. It wouldn’t be right to not refer to him as ‘Bae’ (cringe I know).
This man was everything to me for 2 and a half years, he came before everyone else except my immediate family and I was the same for him. Whenever the other one needed something we would drop whatever it was we were meant to be doing and do it. We jokingly called each other ‘Bae’ and it stuck because to be honest it was true, we were ‘before anything else’. We spent 99% of our time together both at work and outside of it and we were constantly under scrutiny because ‘surely we must feel something for each other’. Not a single person understood our friendship and we practically talked a different language to everyone else.
Everyone we ever met insisted we were in love with each other no matter how long they’d known us. I was once sat on his lap in a pub because there were no seats and a guy we’d known for 5 minutes told us we ‘had to go after the real love that we had together’. We refused to believe it and lived our lives in blissful denial. There was always some truth in what they were saying though because it’s turns out he was actually as in love with me as I had been with him at one point and that’s where it all went wrong. I will forever wish we had never drunkenly kissed or declared feelings. It changed who we were around each other and it turned out conversations into nothing more than awkward sentences.
I no longer have a friend to call on at 3am anymore, someone to hold my hair back as I’m sick or bring me my favourite food into work because I’d text them saying I was hungry, I don’t wake up to 15 hilarious texts and snapchats or pull stupid poses in club photos with. I don’t have the Joey to my Chandler or my Chrisrina to my Meredith . I felt at a complete loss when our friendship fell apart and sometimes I still do, sometimes I miss him so much it hurts.
I never saw this man the way everyone else sees him (which is frankly a bit of an asshole) because how could I when he was so precious to me? How can I think of someone as heartless when i’d cuddled them to sleep as they cried? How can I think of him as someone who cares about no one but himself when he’d actively put me before everything and who’d lost important people based on the fact that our friendship was more important to him? I couldn’t. I knew him on a level that no one else did. I knew what kept him up at night, what made him laugh until his stomach hurt, what to order him off the menu, when to probe him to talk and when to leave him be. Now I barely know him at all. I don’t know what he ate for breakfast, where he spends his weekends, how his search for a new job is going or whether he can sleep a whole night through now and it kills me.
So I just wanted to say that I hope he’s found some form of happiness, I hope he misses me too and I’m sorry for allowing the dynamic to change between us.
Love always, bae x
Do you have a friend you drifted from and miss? Tell me about your friendship heartbreak in the comments.
Until next time, I’m back off down the rabbit hole.