Oh wait, you’re not my darling anymore, you’re a bellend. I’d already written an ‘open letter’ style post for my darling mother on Mother’s Day and decided I’d like to make a mini series out of it. But this one is focusing on a very different type of relationship, a toxic one.
You guys are obviously not aware of this but up until December 2015 I was engaged to be married to my ‘high school sweetheart’ if you will. He was fantastic, the man of my dreams, the love of my life, my lobster etc etc I could write about how much I loved/love him forever but that’s not what I wanted this post to include. We were happy, we were so so happy up until about a month before we split. Well, I still was happy but he wasn’t. It wasn’t me, he insists on this, he was just unhappy as a person and I was the one person he couldn’t talk to about it.
I was naive, I was blinded by love and admiration for this man. He is in fact a bellend. He’s the sort of bellend that’s addictive. He makes me hurt so much it feels like physical pain but makes me so happy I feel like I’m flying. We’re that typical couple who will break up and 2 weeks later be back seeing each other because we can’t stay away, we’re each other’s kryptonite. Recently I have learned how much of an asshole he really is. I reached out to him for help because I was desparate, I didn’t know what else to do and it wasn’t even for me it was for my mum, a woman that he loves dearly but I had no response. It wasn’t even something tiny, it was literally a life or death matter but I still had no response.
Over the years we were together he manipulated me, he turned every little thing he did round onto me and made me feel as if it was my fault. I knew all along that it wasn’t. I could never be to blame for him telling another woman he loved her (just because he wanted sex, apparently), for talking to girls in inappropriate ways, for telling his friend how amazing her tits and ass were, and specifying her eyes were more beautiful than mine. Of course I wasn’t innocent I made some huge mistakes and I pay for them everyday but never once did I try and blame him for it. I took responsibility for my own actions.
Not only is he a manipulative ass, he has the most awful views on life. I try not to be a judgemental person but some of his opinions just made me want to scream into a pillow. He was one of the people that voted UKIP, he actually put a cross in the box next to Nigel Farage’s name. WHAT? He wanted our home to have guns so we could teach children ‘gun awareness’ and to smack them when they were being naughty. Neither of which I agree with. He made me feel as if I had to though, there was always some kind of condition with his love. Don’t allow yourself to be in that situation, where you’re frightened to stand up and fight for your own views because they might not be happy about it.
The problem was/is, I became dependant on that man. I am not a dependant person, I like to control my own feelings and happiness but this became impossible. Any time I was sad it was most likely him, any time I was happy he was the reason behind it. He became everything to me. Don’t ever let someone become your everything, always hold a part of yourself so close to you that no one else can take it. Now I am much more in control of my own happiness but there are still times when I’m sad or my anxiety is bad where all I want is for him to give me a cuddle and tell me I’m beautiful. I really wish this wasn’t the case.
The funny thing about all of this is that he’ll text me in a couple of weeks and ask to see me and I’ll do it because I have no self control and because I love him. I’ll be with him and he’ll tell me he loves me and I’ll believe him and he might even mean it for a few moments but once I leave he’ll stop. He’ll cut all ties until the next time he’s bored and missing me and craving that wonderful feeling of being loved by another. I’m doing okay, I smile and laugh and some days I only think about him once but I’m starting to feel as if I’ll never stop loving him.
The relationship is toxic and I want out, but I don’t know how. Do you have any tips? Have you ever been in this sort of situation? How did you end the repetitive loop?
Until next time, I’m back off down the rabbit hole.